God, help me draw near to You. I always have that guilty "I should spend more time with You" that is kind of like "I should call my mom more often." But are true, but I suppose even more so with You because I need You more… but I don't actually believe that. I don't orient my life around You. I don't talk to You, lean on You, thank You, enjoy You, love You, abide in You like my life depends on it. I guess because it doesn't. You gave me life and a choice, and it is actually totally possible to do and go and be apart from You. But then I am reminded of what life WITH You really is - what Your presence is.
It is so much more than peace and joy and love and stability and grace and justice and healing and freedom and power and safety and transformation and life -- it is all of these, and so much more. I often need You for one of these things - I need Your love to love others; I need Your comforting words; I need to feel known; I need You to forgive my sins… but it is not oft that I recognize my complete, total need for YOU.
And I am ashamed but I know You have no desire for my shame. And I am guilty, but I am already forgiven. And I am rusty but You don't seem to mind. And You want all my heart and will not settle for less, yet You take me as I am, however infrequently I come to You just for You. You are a paradox. The paradox.
You want more but take what I give. You love me now but know where You will take me - who You ultimately created me to be. And I am afraid. I am afraid to draw near because I feel small, incomplete, desperate. I need to feel like I am achieving something, to feel purposeful, to be seen, to have authority, to have friends, to feel loved, to be missed, to feel attractive, to be appreciated, to have a plan, to bring pride, to feel smart, to feel in control.
I need so many things, and I want them all so bad, often more than I want YOU. It's just easier, my God, to want them and trick myself into believing I have them or that they are worthy aspirations. To deny them, to see them as unworthy pursuits or limited or incomplete apart from You is to acknowledge my smallness, my weakness, my brokenness, my pride, my fear, my sin, my humanity as it is apart from You.
But apart from You, the worthiest pursuit is empty. Good is evil. Love is hate. Teaching is blasphemy. Encouragement is cursing. Kind words are fleeting. Justice is oppression. There is NO good apart from You, and while You redeem all things, the best I can give is death and sin and shame. My greatest deeds, apart from You, are refuse and cause harm and spread darkness. The irony is I don't really want to die, but apart from You, there is only death. Yet… yet, if I die to myself, abandon my life to You, then all my faults and failures are to Your glory, they reveal Your strength and achieve Your will. Then my sin is forgiven, my fears are testament to Your love, and my lack is Your gain.
So it is that I am called to die, not only that I might live, but that You will live in me.
And despite the honest introspection, and Holy revelation, minutes from now will be a new level of apathy, of self-indulgence, of pride, of excuses, of self-pity, of hopelessness, of anger, of sin… and days from now this epiphany will be long forgotten and buried… unless, unless what exactly?
What is the key, the trick, the discipline that will make me abide like I have never abided before?! What will leave me forever enraptured in Your presence, constantly full of longing, endlessly poured into with Your Spirit, intone to Your will, Your Kingdom, Your Whole Being?
There is no unless.
I am a mere human, and my life will be a constant tale of redemption. I will switch sides more times than Loki or Rumpelstiltskin or Magneto. I will forget You more times than Peter Pan forgets Wendy or Leonard (Momento) forgets everything. I will have great successes and deep failures. I will love You like You have never been loved before, and I will betray You, abandon You, ignore You, despise You. I don't want to, Jesus. If I am truly honest, I don't want to be human.
If I may be so bold, perhaps what led Eve to long to be like You was not just pride or lustful desires for independence… but her own exhaustion with human limitation and weakness. Like a child who longs to be a super hero, she wanted to be better - because she was made to be better. Is there, somewhere buried in our subconscious, a memory of who You made us to be in the Kingdom of God? We long to be transformed, to be the persons You created, but loathe the process of transformation. Perhaps Eve wanted to know You fully and to know herself as You knew her. In its twisted form, it is sinful control, pride, a pursuit of independence and self-righteous perfection. But at its best - is it not desiring for myself what You desire for me? True, she (and Adam) and I often pursue this sinfully, but I do not want autonomy. I want freedom from that which I despite - this flesh that traps my truest self.
But You do not free my soul. I am not immediately made whole or perfect, released from this suffering. I am not the true Daughter, not yet. Instead, I live in sin, in weakness, surrounded by injustice, causing injustice, hurting the world, those around me, myself. And You still call me to abide in You, knowing that it won't fix everything, knowing I will sin, experience pain, forget, become apathetic, You would have me dwell in You, to be with You, to draw near, to sit together, to chat, to engage, to be.
And this I revolt against as if a young colt with its trainer. Though he wants nothing more than to gallop across the plains, he abhors the bit and bridle. Though abiding would achieve the very things I want and am designed for, simply because it is not by my terms but Yours, I stubbornly resist. I am a stubborn foul and a fool because I want to abide… more than ANYTHING!
I want to be with You. I want to be who You created me to be… but on my terms. Dying to myself is all I can ask for, yet the very thing I will avoid at all cost. The Paradox created a paradox.
For if You want to transform me yet love me as I am, I want to be loved as I am but not until I have transformed myself - even using You to do so. I need to need You. I want to want You. And when I fail to abide, hold me anyway - do not let me be a dry and fruitless branch that is cut away, but perhaps a late bloomer, stubbornly refusing to do things in a time and manner that is expected.
Keep me, Father. Remind me, as You did Israel. Forgive me, as You did David. Prove Yourself, as You did for Thomas. Restore me, as You did Peter. Fill me, as You did Paul. Love me, as only You can.
